HAPPY NEW YEAR YA BUNCH OF DICKS!

Have a safe happy new year and hopefully you'll be regularly visiting and clicking on some ads for me!

Picture of the Day...The Mayan Calendar!

JOKE OF THE DAY...Wrong Bathroom

One night a man was getting loaded in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he blasted through the door. The only thing was, he wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman that was sitting on the bowl!

"OMG! This is for ladies!" she screamed.

The drunk waved his dick in the air and said "AAANNNDDD SOOO IS THIS!"

Stupid News of the Day...Part 2...The Ball Cutter

Looks like I won't be swimming in New Guinea any time soon.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079498/British-angler-Jeremy-Wade-snares-fish-killed-2-men-biting-testicles.html

Stupid News of the Day...Flying Body Train Death Lawsuit

Man dies by getting hit by a train...body flies and hits woman...lady sues dead man...UNREAL!!!!

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-train-death-lawsuit-20111229,0,1119897.story

BONUS "LOCAL" JOKE OF THE DAY...Santa vs White Plains

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a bartender in White Plains???…Santa only has to look at 8 assholes in one night.

BONUS JOKE OF THE DAY...Johnny on Santa's Lap

Little Johnny sits on Santa's lap.

Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas little Johnnny," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

Little Johnny thinks for a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping Jonnhy's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again Johnny thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas then?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

JOKE OF THE DAY...Christmas Eve in the Mall

A couple were shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and it was packed.
Walking through the mall the wife looked up and noticed her
husband was no where to be found and since they had a lot to do, she started getting upset.

After a few minutes of looking around, she called him on his cell phone to asked him where the hell he was.

The husband answered and in a calm voice he said, "Honey, do you remember the jewlery store we went to about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford? And I told you that one day, when I had enough money I would get it for you?"

His wife started to cry and said "Oh my God...YES DEAR, I remember that jewelry store".

"Well, I'm in the bar right next to it"

BONUS Joke of the Day...Six is Enough

I saw six men kicking the shit out of my mother-in-law when my neighbor yelled "OH MY GOD!!! Aren’t you going to help?" I said "Nah, six should be enough."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Blind Man in the Library

A blind man was in a library feeling his way around the desk when he came up to a teenager with really bad acne and said “Who the fuck wrote this shit?”

STUPID NEWS OF THE DAY...Allergic to Water?

This lady must stink like shit!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2074427/Young-woman--shes-allergic-tears.html

PICTURES OF THE DAY...

SOUNDS OF THE SEASON...Marge Schott (Billy West) on Stern

A hilarious Howard Stern bit that would never be able to air today. Racist Reds owner Marge Schott (Billy West) comes in to apologize for her rants againt African Americans, Jewish people and Asians...but his (I mean her) apologies don't come off too sincere!

JOKE OF THE DAY...Christmas Joke #1

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yep. He definitely did!"
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yep, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the asshole in the back of the horse, instead of on top."

Bonus Joke of the Day...Popular Guy

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Joke of the Day...Gone Fishing

A new salesman in one of those new-fangled drug stores that carries thousands of items sells three thousand dollars worth of fishing equipment to a customer. The boss is amazed.
The boss says, "How'd you manage to sell three thousand dollars of fishing equipment on your first day?"
He says, "A man came in and asked for a box of Tampax for his wife. I said, "While you're not doing anything, why don't you go fishing?' "

Bonus Joke of the Day...Home Alone

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

JOKE OF THE DAY...A Brazilian

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Stupid News of the Day...Tea Made from Panda Shit?!

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/881457-i-plan-to-make-the-worlds-most-expensive-tea-out-of-panda-poo

JOKE OF THE DAY...Plain English from the Dr.

A man tells his doctor that every morning he has terrible headaches, has trouble breathing and wasn't able to do the things around the house that his wife wanted him too. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. I can take it. ."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're a fat, lazy, alcoholic slob."
"Ok," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

BONUS JOKE OF THE DAY...The Large Vagina

A lady goes to the gynecologist. And while she is in the stirrups the doctor was examining her and says: "That's the largest vagina I've ever seen." - "That's the largest vagina I've ever seen."
She said: "Geez Doc, you didn't have to say it twice."
The Doctor replies: "I didn't."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Hearing Loss

A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"
The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."

Joke of the Day...The Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour when the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

 Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

Just then, the guy that was sitting next to me got up and started heading for the door.

I said "hey, aren't you going to stick around for the birth of your baby?" The man replied, "I think I need a breath of fresh air.....I work for 7-11."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Twice a Day

A guy goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, ya gotta help me. I can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, I have sex with my wife…TWICE a day”
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"But thats not all. Then I have sex with my secretary TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Then after that, I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "Maybe you should start masturbating."
"I already do", says the man. "TWICE A DAY."

Stupid News of the Day...92 Year Old Unable to Purchase Alcohol

Great Grandmother 92 unable to purchase whiskey!

Bonus Joke of the Day...Lung Transplant

What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
Coughing up someone else's phlegm.

JOKE OF THE DAY...Layin Linoleum

Billy's sittin home, bored on a Saturday afternoon when he decides to call his friend Tom up.

"Hey Tommy, what's up? What are ya doin today?"

"Ahhh, I'm just layin linoleum in the kitchen"

"OH YEAH?! SHE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"

Picture of the Day...A Little Late Halloween Humor BOOBEES

JOKES OF THE DAY...A Few Q & A's

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !

Q: Do you know why they call it a Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows!

Video of the Day...Man Quits with Marching Band!

Fun starts at the 1:54 mark!

Stupid News of the Day...Man Tries to Turn Feces into Gold!

A man from Northern Ireland has been jailed after an experiment in which he attempted to turn his own feces into gold went wrong and started a fire in a block of flats.


Paul Moran will now serve three months in jail and a further 12 months on license after the failed experiment caused a fire at his Housing Executive home in Derrin Park, Enniskillen.
Moran admitted arson and endangering the lives of others in the fire, which reportedly caused over £3,000 worth of damage.
It is thought that as part of the bizarre experiment Moran left his feces, along with other waste products such as fertilizer, on a heater.
In his ruling Judge McFarland told Moran: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human feces and waste products.
“It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”
Moran’s barrister mentioned that his client was a man of ‘considerable intellectual ability’ but that he had problems battling drug abuse.

JOKE OF THE DAY...Pirate Walks into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, no pants and a steering wheel on his penis.
The bartender says, "hey, you"ve got a steering wheel on your penis."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, me know. It's driving me nuts."

Video of the Day...Guy Dressed as Ref Makes Call Then Streaks!

JOKE OF THE DAY...The Drink Left Alone

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more cocktails he has to go to the bathroom but before he does, he puts a sign on his drink saying, "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there's another sign next to his saying, "Annnd soooo did I!"

Joke of the Day...Case of VD

An Irish girl comes home from college and as soon as she opens the front door she yells "MOM...I GOT ME A CASE OF VD..."

The mother says "Put it in the basement, your old man'll drink anything!"

JOKE OF THE DAY...Two Women Have to Pee

Two women are driving along in the country and they both had to pee really badly, so they pull off to the side of the road and climb over a fence into a graveyard. The first woman pees behind a tombstone, finds nothing to wipe with, so she uses her panties and leaves them under a bush. The second woman pees behind a tombstone next to a fresh grave and uses a ribbon from a wreath of flowers to wipe herself.

The next day their husbands are talking on the phone.
The first husband says, "We gotta start keeping an eye on our wives. Yesterday my wife came home with no panties on."
The second husband says, "That's nothing. Yesterday my wife came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, ˜We're all gonna miss you.' "

Video of the Day...The Chicken Song

The most stereotypical song in a long ass time...Thanks to Frankie Fig for bringing this piece of comedy gold it to my attention!

JOKES OF THE DAY...Little Johnny X's 2

The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and started reading his essay.
"Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"Oh my goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers. "Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother. "Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag

JOKE OF TE DAY...Grosser than Gross

Whats grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.

Whats even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.

Videos of the Day...Animals Gone Wild

BONUS JOKE OF THE DAY...Jack's Last Breath

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Extra Large Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist "do you sell extra large condoms."
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Video of the Day...Gayest Ref Ever!

BONUS Joke of the Day...Pubic Hair vs Parsley

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You have to push it to the side before you start eating.

JOKE OF THE DAY...Halloween Dance Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party but an hour before they were about to leave the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.

The husband knowing it was his wife's friends party didn't want to go but his wife talked him into it. Saying she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and that all her friends husbands were going to be there too. Finally he let up and said "Fine. I'll go by myself".

The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour, woke up and felt great. Being  it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have a little fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Finally, she walked up to him on the dance floor and started dancing seductively and let him cop all the feels he wanted. He then whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to her car and had a little quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in.

"So! How was the party!" He said "Oh, you know. Same old boring shit. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Honestly, I didn't even dance one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys and we went into the basement to play poker all evening. But you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"

Pictures of the Day...

BONUS JOKES...RED SOX

Bill Buckner tried to kill himself after the 1986 World Series by jumping in front of a bus. Luckily it went right through his legs.

A teacher asks her students if they're Red Sox fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Yankees."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Red Sox fan!"

Q: What's the difference between the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Strangler?
A: One chokes only in September.

BONUS Joke of the Day...One Liner

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
Call them up and tell 'em you can't come (cum!)

JOKE OF THE DAY...Work vs Prison

Work vs. Prison Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share one with some idiot who pees and shits on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you get fired for speaking to your family on company time.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to work, pay all the expenses and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with smart ass douche bag wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

BONUS Joke of the Day...Jewish Fairytale

The worlds best Jewish fairytale…
”Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish girl to marry him…she said no...and he lived happily ever after”

JOKE OF THE DAY...Blind Man and His Dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog when they stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, then lifted up his leg and started pissing all over the mans foot. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He ran up to the blind man and said “How the hell can you possibly reward a dog for pissing on your foot?” The blind man replied "I'm not rewarding him, I'm trying to find his head so I can kick him in his fuckin' ass."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Johnny's Ugly Face

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the boy. Smiling she said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and my face would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Stupid News...Woman Has Longest Finger Nails

WTF and WHY?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8764109/Las-Vegas-woman-grows-longest-finger-nails-in-the-world.html

JOKE OF THE DAY...Old Man and the Dr.

An old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says” Sir, I'm very sorry to say but I have two pieces of bad news for you.”

The old man says, "Doc, give me the worse news first!"

With a sigh, the Dr. replies, "Ok. I’m sorry to say this but you have AIDS."

"Oh, no! What the hell could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the old man says, "Oh... Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Stupid News...Is Nicolas Cage a Vampire?

Very uncanny resemblance to a Civil War era photograph.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/09/is-nicolas-cage-a-vampire-from-the-civil-war-era/

JOKE OF THE DAY...Gonna Go Blind

A guy walks into his sons room and catches him jerkin off. “Oh my GOD...Don't ever do that again! You’re gonna go blind!"

The son waves his hand in the air and says “Pop! I’m over here!”

JOKE OF THE DAY...Beautiful Johnny

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mom planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, FUCKIN' beautiful!'"

Video of the Day...Archie's Chinese Wisdom

BONUS...JOKE OF THE DAY!

An old man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.
As he answered he heard his wife yelling on the other end, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"I will honey but shit, it's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of ‘em!"

JOKE OF THE DAY...20.00 for Sex

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" she asked.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Heading to San Francisco Tomorrow AM

Since I won't be around Friday and Monday to update the Blog, I figured I'd put up a bunch of gay jokes to celebrate the San Francisco trip! Enjoy the jokes, have fun and see you next Tuesday!

BONUS JOKES OF THE DAY...Gay One Liners

How can you tell if a termite's gay?
He only eats male boxes.

What'd one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How're we gonna find an egg in all this shit?

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
It's called "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.

What's a gay guys favorite time of day?
8 O'cock

JOKE OF THE DAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A gay guy takes a bunch of condoms, fills them up with fruit punch and puts em in the freezer...He then waits very impatiently for his lover to come home. Pacing back and forth, back and forth...finally the keys turn in the door and it's Sprinkles...

"Happy birthday Sprinklessss...There'ssss a surprisssse in the freeeezer...surprisssse in the freeeezer!"

Sprinkles opens the freezer looks in and says "MY FAVORITE! COCKSICLES!"

BONUS...Joke of the Day

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

JOKE OF THE DAY...Grandmas Beaver

A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver."
A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. That's your beaver!"
"That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out."

Stupid News of the Day...Eel Removed from Penis

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/875317-eel-removed-from-mans-bladder-after-entering-penis-during-beauty-spa

JOKE OF THE DAY...Italian Boys Confession

An Italian boy walks into church and goes into the cofeesion booth.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now."
"I'm sorry father I won't say"

'Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"4 months vacation and five good leads"

Stupid News...Live Frog in Salad

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2035618/Mother-gets-frog-throat--finding-creature-bag-Tesco-SALAD.html

JOKE OF THE DAY...Candy and the Kid

A man pulls up to a little boy at the bus stop and opens the door. He holds out a paper bag full of candy and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car."
The kid says "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

BONUS Joke of the Day...Pulled Over

A policeman notices a man driving over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. The policeman pulls him over and says, "Sir. Have you been drinking tonight?"

Looking around the interior of the car he replies "Why? Do I have a fat chick in my car?"

JOKE OF THE DAY...The Dr.s Cure!

A woman goes to the doctor, all beaten and black and blue.
Doctor: "Geez Mrs. Robertson, what happened?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling and swishing it around your mouth. Just gargle, gargle and swish, swish."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I just gargled and swished with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled and swished and swished and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "That’s great! You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Stupid News of the Day...

http://news.yahoo.com/shopper-arrested-live-lobsters-shorts-134005861.html

I hope the rubber bands were still on their claws!

JOKES OF THE DAY...All Football Related!!!!

The Steelers had an 12 and 4 season last year. 12 arrests and 4 convictions.

What do you get when you put 28 Tennessee Titan cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," says the doctor, "Where do you think Jets fans come from?"

How do you kill a NY Giants fan when he's been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

Why are the 49ers like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Football Season is Back...Enjoy the stupidity

 Dallas Clark eatin ass...probably what he's going to do w/out Manning

 Grown men huggin...that's Gay!

 No caption needed...this could be several teams we know!

Someone's gettin shit canned!

Open wide RB...here's comes a dick at ya!

Shouldn't you know not to sit near each other?

Exhibit B for the caption above!

JOKE OF THE DAY...Old man shares his wine

An old man in a nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday so he talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling off her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, because you've got the UGLIEST tits I have ever seen."

BONUS Joke of the Day...How old am I?

A boy says to his dad: "Dad, how old do you think I am today?"

His dad replies "I dont know son, 9 or 10"

"DAD...I'M ELEVEN" The son then storms off into the next room and says to his Grandmother: "Grandma, guess how old I am today?"

His grandmother puts her hand down his pants and fondles his genitals a little bit. After a few minutes she says: "Your eleven!" The boy gets all excited and says "WOW grandma, you can tell by putting your hand down my pants?"

Grandma: "Nah...I heard you tell your father"

JOKE OF THE DAY....Bible Salesman

On a guys first day as a door to door bible salesman, he sells 500 bibles…the owner of the company is amazed and says “How the hell did you sell 500 bibles on your first day?” The guy replies with a terrible stutter “it, it , it, it…wa wa wa wa was….ea ea ea easy…ev ev every da da door I went ta ta ta too, I I I I as asked them…Wou wou would you li li like to ba ba buy a bible or or or wou wou would you li li li like me to read it to you”

SUMMER'S OVER...GET READY FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!

Happy Labor Day...Work Pictures for the Labor Force!

JOKE OF THE DAY...Girls first haircut

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie and anxiously awaiting her first haircut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, sits in the seat and the barber covers her up.

After a few minutes, she pulls out the twinkie and takes a bite.
The barber looks down at her and says "Little girl, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie!"

"Yeah, I know! And I'm gonna get tits, too. NOW CUT MY HAIR!"

JOKE OF THE DAY! Vampire Bar

Two vampires walk into a bar and sit in the first two seats on the corner. The first one looks up at the bartender and orders a cup of blood. The second vampire thinks for a second and orders a nice hot glass of water.

The first one says, "Hot water? How come you didn't order your normal cup of blood?"

The second one pulls out a used tampon and says, "Today, I think I'm gonna have tea!"

Stupid News of the Day!

Man has a "Where's Waldo?" landscape tattoed on his back!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2031299/What-wally-Man-scene-Wheres-Wally-tattooed-back.html

Woman's breast implant pops during paintball!

http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/london-womans-breast-implant-popped-during-game-of-paintball/story-e6frflri-1226122086547

Dumb kids, do dumb things!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2028635/Utah-boy-Stephen-Hopkins-8-trapped-chimney-SIX-HOURS.html

Prostitutes need tickets to start work in Germany!

http://news.yahoo.com/city-introduces-tax-meters-prostitutes-154512657.html

BONUS Joke of the Day...A Father & Son Talk

A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. When he ws done he asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do women's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "Son, well before sex, it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

JOKE OF THE DAY...Making Cakes

A little girl was out with her mother in the park when they saw two teenagers having sex on the bench.
"Mom? What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, ummm they're making cakes dear" says the mother.
"Oh. Ok"
They proceed to the zoo, where lo and behold they see two monkeys having sex.
"Mom? What are THEY doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
Quizzically the daughter looks up at her mom and says "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the living room last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "OMG...Yes we were dear. How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."

BONUS Joke of the Day...Five Kegs

A drunk asks the bartender:
“How much beer do you sell in one day?”
“Oh about four kegs...”
“Do you want to know how you could sell five kegs per day?”
The bartender interested in the drunks suggestion: “Sure...How?”
“Fill the fucking mugs to the top...”

JOKE OF THE DAY...Blonde Inventions

Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

Funny Irene Pictures....

SPLOOOSH! IN YER FACE!!!

Streakers!

JOKE OF THE DAY...Fitting for this Weekends Weather

A man and his wife  were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  The man  gets up answers the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the  pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance pal! It's 3 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to  bed.

"Who the hell was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she  asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring  rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  "Remember when we broke down in the rain and those two guys helped us?  I think you should do the same"
"OHHH COME ON!!!" Says the man...but he reluctantly gets up, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring  rain.

He yells out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still  there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a  push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from  the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on  the swing!"

A Little Hurricane Picture Humor!

Dont't forget to call home, no matter HOW bad it is out!

"No" Caption Needed

The Central Avenue Bumb takes to the air!!!

A note to all women...Don't forget to wear skirts this weekend!

And a note to all men...Don't forget your cameras at home if you wander out!

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS...MUST HAVES FOR WOMEN THIS WEEKEND...

BONUS Jokes of the Day...The Hamburger Cook

A man walks into a hamburger joint and orders a burger and fries. Five minutes later, the waitress brings it out to him.

He takes one bite out of the burger and notices a large, wiry hair smack in the middle of it.

"Waitress! Come over here…there's a GOD DAMN hair in my hamburger! I demand to see the cook and what the hell is going on back there in the kitchen!"

The waitress says “Ok” and reluctantly takes him back to where the cook is. To his demise, the man sees the cook take a handful of meat, put it under his armpit to flatten it out and then throws it onto the grill. "JESUS CHRIST!!!" He yells. "That's fuckin disgusting!"

The waitress looks at him and says, "You think that's disgusting! You should see him make the donuts."

Joke of the Day...The New Lumberjack

Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.
The boss comes over and says, "All right, here's the deal. We work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep by ten and you get three meals a day. Oh yeah and do you see that hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."

BONUS Joke of the Day...Girl vs Brooklyn

What do girls in really tight jeans and Brooklyn have in common?

FLATBUSH!!

Joke of the Day...Make Out Session

A girl and a boy were making out in the back of a movie theater.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your gum all the time, I really find it disgusting."

The girl replies, "I'm not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

Finally...the answer to yesterdays earthquake rumbles...and she loses her weave to boot!

In the wake of the recent gay Bert and Ernie allegations...Cookie Monster has his own problems...

Joke of the day...12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Geez pal, what the hell are you drinking so fast for?"

The guy says, "Well , you would be too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

"75 cents."

Fred Sanford and Aunt Esther at it again!

BONUS Joke of the Day...Johnny's Report Card

Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"I let Tommy borrow it. He wants to give his parents a heart attack."

Joke of the Day...Take a Piss...

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when all of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Mrs. Jones, I have to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in that situation. The correct word you should use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will let you go."

Little Johnny thinks for a second and says, "Mrs. Jones, you're an eight, but if you would let me take a piss, you'd be a ten!!!"

Back...

Ok, I'm back from a weekend getaway and a late week sickness...so get ready for some consistent updates...and feel free to tell your friends about the blog.

Sick....

Not feeling so well today so I "threw up" an old vid clip and a joke you've probably seen on FB before. I'll get some new ones up there when I'm feeling better.

The Penis Song...Monty Python!

Joke of the Day...The Art Gallery

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a guy inquired about your work and asked if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Stupid News: Drunk Driving a Motorized Beer Cooler

http://news.yahoo.com/motorised-beer-cooler-lands-driver-court-074912670.html

BONUS Jokes of the Day...Midgets

Did you hear about the midget that went missing...
They put his face on a carton of Half & Half.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

How do you know if a midget is on her period?
She keeps tripping over the string!

Joke of the Day...In the Confession Booth

A drunk stumbles into a confession booth at the local church and closes the door behind him.

A priest hears him come in, but doesn't hear anything for a few minutes so he bangs on the wall.

The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy. There's no paper in this one, either."

Rodney Dangerfield Skit as Sherlock Holmes...Classic

Click on "Read More" to see all of three parts of the vid...

Joke of the Day...The Second Hostage

A guy robs a bank and takes a bunch of hostages in case things get rough.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes I did!" The robber puts the gun to his head and shoots him.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage looks both ways, leans over and whispers "No, but I think my wife did."

Joke of the Day...The Whorehouse Door Bell

Rrrinngg! ... the doorbell rings at a whorehouse and a gorgeous girl answers the door. She looks to the left, then to the right and doesn't see anyone. She then looks down and on the door mat there's a guy with no arms and no legs smiling.

She points and laughs hysterically and says, "What the hell do you think you're gonna do in here?"

He looks up at her and says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

Joke of the Day...One Shot!

Two guys are out hunting with a rifle when the 1st guy looks through the scope at his friends house and says "Holy shit! I can see your wife with another man in your bedroom!!!"

The 2nd guy says "Are you serious? She’s the one that told me to go hunting. That bitch was supposed to be at her sisters. Shoot her in that big lying mouth of hers and then shoot him in his dick!"

The 1st guy looks through the scope again and says "Oh this is gonna be easy. I can do that with one shot”