Thursday, September 29, 2011
BONUS JOKES...RED SOX
Bill Buckner tried to kill himself after the 1986 World Series by
jumping in front of a bus. Luckily it went right through his legs.
A teacher asks her students if they're Red Sox fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Yankees."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Red Sox fan!"
Q: What's the difference between the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Strangler?
A: One chokes only in September.
A teacher asks her students if they're Red Sox fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Yankees."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Red Sox fan!"
Q: What's the difference between the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Strangler?
A: One chokes only in September.
BONUS Joke of the Day...One Liner
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
Call them up and tell 'em you can't come (cum!)
Call them up and tell 'em you can't come (cum!)
JOKE OF THE DAY...Work vs Prison
IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share one with some idiot who pees and shits on the seat.
IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you get fired for speaking to your family on company time.
IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to work, pay all the expenses and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: you must deal with smart ass douche bag wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Jewish Fairytale
The worlds best Jewish fairytale…
”Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish girl to marry him…she said no...and he lived happily ever after”
JOKE OF THE DAY...Blind Man and His Dog
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog when they stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, then lifted up his leg and started pissing all over the mans foot. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He ran up to the blind man and said “How the hell can you possibly reward a dog for pissing on your foot?” The blind man replied "I'm not rewarding him, I'm trying to find his head so I can kick him in his fuckin' ass."
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Johnny's Ugly Face
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the boy. Smiling she said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and my face would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Monday, September 26, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Old Man and the Dr.
An old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says” Sir, I'm very sorry to say but I have two pieces of bad news for you.”
The old man says, "Doc, give me the worse news first!"
With a sigh, the Dr. replies, "Ok. I’m sorry to say this but you have AIDS."
"Oh, no! What the hell could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the old man says, "Oh... Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Stupid News...Is Nicolas Cage a Vampire?
Very uncanny resemblance to a Civil War era photograph.
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/09/is-nicolas-cage-a-vampire-from-the-civil-war-era/
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/09/is-nicolas-cage-a-vampire-from-the-civil-war-era/
Thursday, September 22, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Gonna Go Blind
A guy walks into his sons room and catches him jerkin off. “Oh my GOD...Don't ever do that again! You’re gonna go blind!"
The son waves his hand in the air and says “Pop! I’m over here!”
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Beautiful Johnny
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mom planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, FUCKIN' beautiful!'"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, FUCKIN' beautiful!'"
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
BONUS...JOKE OF THE DAY!
An old man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.
As he answered he heard his wife yelling on the other end, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"I will honey but shit, it's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of ‘em!"
As he answered he heard his wife yelling on the other end, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"I will honey but shit, it's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of ‘em!"
JOKE OF THE DAY...20.00 for Sex
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" she asked.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" she asked.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Heading to San Francisco Tomorrow AM
Since I won't be around Friday and Monday to update the Blog, I figured I'd put up a bunch of gay jokes to celebrate the San Francisco trip! Enjoy the jokes, have fun and see you next Tuesday!
BONUS JOKES OF THE DAY...Gay One Liners
How can you tell if a termite's gay?
He only eats male boxes.
What'd one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How're we gonna find an egg in all this shit?
Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
It's called "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.
What's a gay guys favorite time of day?
8 O'cock
He only eats male boxes.
What'd one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How're we gonna find an egg in all this shit?
Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
It's called "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.
What's a gay guys favorite time of day?
8 O'cock
JOKE OF THE DAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY
A gay guy takes a bunch of condoms, fills them up with fruit punch and puts em in the freezer...He then waits very impatiently for his lover to come home. Pacing back and forth, back and forth...finally the keys turn in the door and it's Sprinkles...
"Happy birthday Sprinklessss...There'ssss a surprisssse in the freeeezer...surprisssse in the freeeezer!"
Sprinkles opens the freezer looks in and says "MY FAVORITE! COCKSICLES!"
"Happy birthday Sprinklessss...There'ssss a surprisssse in the freeeezer...surprisssse in the freeeezer!"
Sprinkles opens the freezer looks in and says "MY FAVORITE! COCKSICLES!"
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
BONUS...Joke of the Day
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
JOKE OF THE DAY...Grandmas Beaver
A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver."
A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. That's your beaver!"
"That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out."
"That's my beaver."
A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. That's your beaver!"
"That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out."
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Italian Boys Confession
An Italian boy walks into church and goes into the cofeesion booth.
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now."
"I'm sorry father I won't say"
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now."
"I'm sorry father I won't say"
'Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
"4 months vacation and five good leads"
Monday, September 12, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Candy and the Kid
A man pulls up to a little boy at the bus stop and opens the door. He holds out a paper bag full of candy and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car."
The kid says "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
The kid says "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
Friday, September 9, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Pulled Over
A policeman notices a man driving over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. The policeman pulls him over and says, "Sir. Have you been drinking tonight?"
Looking around the interior of the car he replies "Why? Do I have a fat chick in my car?"
Looking around the interior of the car he replies "Why? Do I have a fat chick in my car?"
JOKE OF THE DAY...The Dr.s Cure!
A woman goes to the doctor, all beaten and black and blue.
Doctor: "Geez Mrs. Robertson, what happened?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling and swishing it around your mouth. Just gargle, gargle and swish, swish."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I just gargled and swished with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled and swished and swished and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "That’s great! You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Doctor: "Geez Mrs. Robertson, what happened?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling and swishing it around your mouth. Just gargle, gargle and swish, swish."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I just gargled and swished with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled and swished and swished and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "That’s great! You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Stupid News of the Day...
http://news.yahoo.com/shopper-arrested-live-lobsters-shorts-134005861.html
I hope the rubber bands were still on their claws!
I hope the rubber bands were still on their claws!
JOKES OF THE DAY...All Football Related!!!!
The Steelers had an 12 and 4 season last year. 12 arrests and 4 convictions.
What do you get when you put 28 Tennessee Titan cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," says the doctor, "Where do you think Jets fans come from?"
How do you kill a NY Giants fan when he's been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
Why are the 49ers like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
What do you get when you put 28 Tennessee Titan cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," says the doctor, "Where do you think Jets fans come from?"
How do you kill a NY Giants fan when he's been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
Why are the 49ers like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Football Season is Back...Enjoy the stupidity
Dallas Clark eatin ass...probably what he's going to do w/out Manning
Grown men huggin...that's Gay!
No caption needed...this could be several teams we know!
Someone's gettin shit canned!
Open wide RB...here's comes a dick at ya!
Shouldn't you know not to sit near each other?
Exhibit B for the caption above!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Old man shares his wine
An old man in a nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday so he talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling off her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, because you've got the UGLIEST tits I have ever seen."
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling off her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, because you've got the UGLIEST tits I have ever seen."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...How old am I?
A boy says to his dad: "Dad, how old do you think I am today?"
His dad replies "I dont know son, 9 or 10"
"DAD...I'M ELEVEN" The son then storms off into the next room and says to his Grandmother: "Grandma, guess how old I am today?"
His grandmother puts her hand down his pants and fondles his genitals a little bit. After a few minutes she says: "Your eleven!" The boy gets all excited and says "WOW grandma, you can tell by putting your hand down my pants?"
Grandma: "Nah...I heard you tell your father"
His dad replies "I dont know son, 9 or 10"
"DAD...I'M ELEVEN" The son then storms off into the next room and says to his Grandmother: "Grandma, guess how old I am today?"
His grandmother puts her hand down his pants and fondles his genitals a little bit. After a few minutes she says: "Your eleven!" The boy gets all excited and says "WOW grandma, you can tell by putting your hand down my pants?"
Grandma: "Nah...I heard you tell your father"
JOKE OF THE DAY....Bible Salesman
On a guys first day as a door to door bible salesman, he sells 500 bibles…the owner of the company is amazed and says “How the hell did you sell 500 bibles on your first day?” The guy replies with a terrible stutter “it, it , it, it…wa wa wa wa was….ea ea ea easy…ev ev every da da door I went ta ta ta too, I I I I as asked them…Wou wou would you li li like to ba ba buy a bible or or or wou wou would you li li li like me to read it to you”
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Girls first haircut
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie and anxiously awaiting her first haircut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, sits in the seat and the barber covers her up.
After a few minutes, she pulls out the twinkie and takes a bite.
The barber looks down at her and says "Little girl, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie!"
The barber looks down at her and says "Little girl, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie!"
"Yeah, I know! And I'm gonna get tits, too. NOW CUT MY HAIR!"
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