Two vampires walk into a bar and sit in the first two seats on the corner. The first one looks up at the bartender and orders a cup of blood. The second vampire thinks for a second and orders a nice hot glass of water.
The first one says, "Hot water? How come you didn't order your normal cup of blood?"
The second one pulls out a used tampon and says, "Today, I think I'm gonna have tea!"
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Stupid News of the Day!
Man has a "Where's Waldo?" landscape tattoed on his back!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2031299/What-wally-Man-scene-Wheres-Wally-tattooed-back.html
Woman's breast implant pops during paintball!
http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/london-womans-breast-implant-popped-during-game-of-paintball/story-e6frflri-1226122086547
Dumb kids, do dumb things!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2028635/Utah-boy-Stephen-Hopkins-8-trapped-chimney-SIX-HOURS.html
Prostitutes need tickets to start work in Germany!
http://news.yahoo.com/city-introduces-tax-meters-prostitutes-154512657.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2031299/What-wally-Man-scene-Wheres-Wally-tattooed-back.html
Woman's breast implant pops during paintball!
http://www.news.com.au/weird-true-freaky/london-womans-breast-implant-popped-during-game-of-paintball/story-e6frflri-1226122086547
Dumb kids, do dumb things!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2028635/Utah-boy-Stephen-Hopkins-8-trapped-chimney-SIX-HOURS.html
Prostitutes need tickets to start work in Germany!
http://news.yahoo.com/city-introduces-tax-meters-prostitutes-154512657.html
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...A Father & Son Talk
A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. When he ws done he asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do women's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "Son, well before sex, it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
"Dad, what do women's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "Son, well before sex, it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
JOKE OF THE DAY...Making Cakes
A little girl was out with her mother in the park when they saw two teenagers having sex on the bench.
"Mom? What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, ummm they're making cakes dear" says the mother.
"Oh. Ok"
They proceed to the zoo, where lo and behold they see two monkeys having sex.
"Mom? What are THEY doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
Quizzically the daughter looks up at her mom and says "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the living room last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "OMG...Yes we were dear. How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."
"Mom? What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, ummm they're making cakes dear" says the mother.
"Oh. Ok"
They proceed to the zoo, where lo and behold they see two monkeys having sex.
"Mom? What are THEY doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
Quizzically the daughter looks up at her mom and says "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the living room last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "OMG...Yes we were dear. How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."
Monday, August 29, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Five Kegs
A drunk asks the bartender:
“How much beer do you sell in one day?”
“Oh about four kegs...”
“Do you want to know how you could sell five kegs per day?”
The bartender interested in the drunks suggestion: “Sure...How?”
“Fill the fucking mugs to the top...”
“How much beer do you sell in one day?”
“Oh about four kegs...”
“Do you want to know how you could sell five kegs per day?”
The bartender interested in the drunks suggestion: “Sure...How?”
“Fill the fucking mugs to the top...”
JOKE OF THE DAY...Blonde Inventions
Blonde Inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
Friday, August 26, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Fitting for this Weekends Weather
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up answers the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance pal! It's 3 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who the hell was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember when we broke down in the rain and those two guys helped us? I think you should do the same"
"OHHH COME ON!!!" Says the man...but he reluctantly gets up, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He yells out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"
"Not a chance pal! It's 3 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who the hell was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember when we broke down in the rain and those two guys helped us? I think you should do the same"
"OHHH COME ON!!!" Says the man...but he reluctantly gets up, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He yells out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"
A Little Hurricane Picture Humor!
Dont't forget to call home, no matter HOW bad it is out!
"No" Caption Needed
The Central Avenue Bumb takes to the air!!!
A note to all women...Don't forget to wear skirts this weekend!
And a note to all men...Don't forget your cameras at home if you wander out!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
BONUS Jokes of the Day...The Hamburger Cook
A man walks into a hamburger joint and orders a burger and fries. Five minutes later, the waitress brings it out to him.
He takes one bite out of the burger and notices a large, wiry hair smack in the middle of it.
"Waitress! Come over here…there's a GOD DAMN hair in my hamburger! I demand to see the cook and what the hell is going on back there in the kitchen!"
The waitress says “Ok” and reluctantly takes him back to where the cook is. To his demise, the man sees the cook take a handful of meat, put it under his armpit to flatten it out and then throws it onto the grill. "JESUS CHRIST!!!" He yells. "That's fuckin disgusting!"
The waitress looks at him and says, "You think that's disgusting! You should see him make the donuts."
He takes one bite out of the burger and notices a large, wiry hair smack in the middle of it.
"Waitress! Come over here…there's a GOD DAMN hair in my hamburger! I demand to see the cook and what the hell is going on back there in the kitchen!"
The waitress says “Ok” and reluctantly takes him back to where the cook is. To his demise, the man sees the cook take a handful of meat, put it under his armpit to flatten it out and then throws it onto the grill. "JESUS CHRIST!!!" He yells. "That's fuckin disgusting!"
The waitress looks at him and says, "You think that's disgusting! You should see him make the donuts."
Joke of the Day...The New Lumberjack
Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.
The boss comes over and says, "All right, here's the deal. We work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep by ten and you get three meals a day. Oh yeah and do you see that hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."
The boss comes over and says, "All right, here's the deal. We work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep by ten and you get three meals a day. Oh yeah and do you see that hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Girl vs Brooklyn
What do girls in really tight jeans and Brooklyn have in common?
FLATBUSH!!
FLATBUSH!!
Joke of the Day...Make Out Session
A girl and a boy were making out in the back of a movie theater.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your gum all the time, I really find it disgusting."
The girl replies, "I'm not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your gum all the time, I really find it disgusting."
The girl replies, "I'm not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Joke of the day...12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Geez pal, what the hell are you drinking so fast for?"
The guy says, "Well , you would be too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
"75 cents."
The bartender says, "Geez pal, what the hell are you drinking so fast for?"
The guy says, "Well , you would be too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
"75 cents."
Monday, August 22, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Johnny's Report Card
Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"I let Tommy borrow it. He wants to give his parents a heart attack."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"I let Tommy borrow it. He wants to give his parents a heart attack."
Joke of the Day...Take a Piss...
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when all of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Mrs. Jones, I have to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in that situation. The correct word you should use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will let you go."
Little Johnny thinks for a second and says, "Mrs. Jones, you're an eight, but if you would let me take a piss, you'd be a ten!!!"
Little Johnny thinks for a second and says, "Mrs. Jones, you're an eight, but if you would let me take a piss, you'd be a ten!!!"
Back...
Ok, I'm back from a weekend getaway and a late week sickness...so get ready for some consistent updates...and feel free to tell your friends about the blog.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sick....
Not feeling so well today so I "threw up" an old vid clip and a joke you've probably seen on FB before. I'll get some new ones up there when I'm feeling better.
Joke of the Day...The Art Gallery
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a guy inquired about your work and asked if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
BONUS Jokes of the Day...Midgets
Did you hear about the midget that went missing...
They put his face on a carton of Half & Half.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
How do you know if a midget is on her period?
She keeps tripping over the string!
They put his face on a carton of Half & Half.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
How do you know if a midget is on her period?
She keeps tripping over the string!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Rodney Dangerfield Skit as Sherlock Holmes...Classic
Click on "Read More" to see all of three parts of the vid...
Joke of the Day...The Second Hostage
A guy robs a bank and takes a bunch of hostages in case things get rough.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes I did!" The robber puts the gun to his head and shoots him.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage looks both ways, leans over and whispers "No, but I think my wife did."
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes I did!" The robber puts the gun to his head and shoots him.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage looks both ways, leans over and whispers "No, but I think my wife did."
Friday, August 12, 2011
Joke of the Day...The Whorehouse Door Bell
Rrrinngg! ... the doorbell rings at a whorehouse and a gorgeous girl answers the door. She looks to the left, then to the right and doesn't see anyone. She then looks down and on the door mat there's a guy with no arms and no legs smiling.
She points and laughs hysterically and says, "What the hell do you think you're gonna do in here?"
He looks up at her and says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
She points and laughs hysterically and says, "What the hell do you think you're gonna do in here?"
He looks up at her and says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)