Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !
Q: Do you know why they call it a Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q: What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Stupid News of the Day...Man Tries to Turn Feces into Gold!
A man from Northern Ireland has been jailed after an experiment in which he attempted to turn his own feces into gold went wrong and started a fire in a block of flats.
Paul Moran will now serve three months in jail and a further 12 months on license after the failed experiment caused a fire at his Housing Executive home in Derrin Park, Enniskillen.
Moran admitted arson and endangering the lives of others in the fire, which reportedly caused over £3,000 worth of damage.
It is thought that as part of the bizarre experiment Moran left his feces, along with other waste products such as fertilizer, on a heater.
In his ruling Judge McFarland told Moran: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human feces and waste products.
“It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”
Moran’s barrister mentioned that his client was a man of ‘considerable intellectual ability’ but that he had problems battling drug abuse.
Paul Moran will now serve three months in jail and a further 12 months on license after the failed experiment caused a fire at his Housing Executive home in Derrin Park, Enniskillen.
Moran admitted arson and endangering the lives of others in the fire, which reportedly caused over £3,000 worth of damage.
It is thought that as part of the bizarre experiment Moran left his feces, along with other waste products such as fertilizer, on a heater.
In his ruling Judge McFarland told Moran: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human feces and waste products.
“It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”
Moran’s barrister mentioned that his client was a man of ‘considerable intellectual ability’ but that he had problems battling drug abuse.
JOKE OF THE DAY...Pirate Walks into a Bar
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, no pants and a steering wheel on his penis.
The bartender says, "hey, you"ve got a steering wheel on your penis."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, me know. It's driving me nuts."
The bartender says, "hey, you"ve got a steering wheel on your penis."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, me know. It's driving me nuts."
Thursday, October 20, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...The Drink Left Alone
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more cocktails he has to go to the bathroom but before he does, he puts a sign on his drink saying, "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there's another sign next to his saying, "Annnd soooo did I!"
After a few minutes he returns and there's another sign next to his saying, "Annnd soooo did I!"
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Joke of the Day...Case of VD
An Irish girl comes home from college and as soon as she opens the front door she yells "MOM...I GOT ME A CASE OF VD..."
The mother says "Put it in the basement, your old man'll drink anything!"
The mother says "Put it in the basement, your old man'll drink anything!"
Friday, October 14, 2011
JOKE OF THE DAY...Two Women Have to Pee
Two women are driving along in the country and they both had to pee really badly, so they pull off to the side of the road and climb over a fence into a graveyard. The first woman pees behind a tombstone, finds nothing to wipe with, so she uses her panties and leaves them under a bush. The second woman pees behind a tombstone next to a fresh grave and uses a ribbon from a wreath of flowers to wipe herself.
The next day their husbands are talking on the phone.
The first husband says, "We gotta start keeping an eye on our wives. Yesterday my wife came home with no panties on."
The second husband says, "That's nothing. Yesterday my wife came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, ˜We're all gonna miss you.' "
The next day their husbands are talking on the phone.
The first husband says, "We gotta start keeping an eye on our wives. Yesterday my wife came home with no panties on."
The second husband says, "That's nothing. Yesterday my wife came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, ˜We're all gonna miss you.' "
Video of the Day...The Chicken Song
The most stereotypical song in a long ass time...Thanks to Frankie Fig for bringing this piece of comedy gold it to my attention!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
JOKES OF THE DAY...Little Johnny X's 2
The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and started reading his essay.
"Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"Oh my goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers. "Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother. "Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag
"Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"Oh my goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers. "Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother. "Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
JOKE OF TE DAY...Grosser than Gross
Whats grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Whats even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
BONUS JOKE OF THE DAY...Jack's Last Breath
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
JOKE OF THE DAY...Extra Large Condoms
A woman walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist "do you sell extra large condoms."
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Monday, October 3, 2011
BONUS Joke of the Day...Pubic Hair vs Parsley
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You have to push it to the side before you start eating.
You have to push it to the side before you start eating.
JOKE OF THE DAY...Halloween Dance Party
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party but an hour before they were about to leave the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.
The husband knowing it was his wife's friends party didn't want to go but his wife talked him into it. Saying she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and that all her friends husbands were going to be there too. Finally he let up and said "Fine. I'll go by myself".
The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour, woke up and felt great. Being it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have a little fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Finally, she walked up to him on the dance floor and started dancing seductively and let him cop all the feels he wanted. He then whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to her car and had a little quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in.
"So! How was the party!" He said "Oh, you know. Same old boring shit. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Honestly, I didn't even dance one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys and we went into the basement to play poker all evening. But you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"
The husband knowing it was his wife's friends party didn't want to go but his wife talked him into it. Saying she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and that all her friends husbands were going to be there too. Finally he let up and said "Fine. I'll go by myself".
The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour, woke up and felt great. Being it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have a little fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Finally, she walked up to him on the dance floor and started dancing seductively and let him cop all the feels he wanted. He then whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to her car and had a little quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in.
"So! How was the party!" He said "Oh, you know. Same old boring shit. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Honestly, I didn't even dance one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys and we went into the basement to play poker all evening. But you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"
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